Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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