it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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