i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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