I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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