You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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