Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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