I met the friendliest cop last night
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
