dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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