No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
