Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
