FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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