I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
