Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
