make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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