i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
