she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I want a musical about memes.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
