i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
