I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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