carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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