Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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