Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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