You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
