As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
