The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
