i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
