I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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