Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
And then he peed in my hair
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