hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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