Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
