i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
