I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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