oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
