I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
