Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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