you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
