just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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