i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
