if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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