please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
