I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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