I wish I only lived at night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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