i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
