I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
