did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
