I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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