she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
