i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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