can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
