So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
