Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
